


Tony Stark Has Two Super Soldier Boyfriends

by TheoMiller



Series: something bigger [14]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Humor, Incompetent Villains, M/M, Tony-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-19
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2018-04-05 02:11:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4161735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheoMiller/pseuds/TheoMiller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone kidnaps Tony to get to his meddlesome super soldier boyfriend. It, predictably, pisses off both of his super soldier boyfriends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tony Stark Has Two Super Soldier Boyfriends

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DibellaSong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DibellaSong/gifts).



> This is loosely based on a scene in the Jim/John&John/Sherlock fic "The Rules of Fair Play Do Not Apply", currently under the administration of orphan_account.
> 
> It's also a late birthday gift for my friend and fellow Stuckony trash - check out her tumblr at dibellanyx.tumblr.com

Maybe it said things about his life that he really didn't want to examine, but Tony was really starting to find being kidnapped just _annoying_. It was very, very well established by SHIELD's released documents that kidnapping him for his brain ended poorly, and he was pretty far beyond the minimum pain threshold to make torture viable, and he didn't even carry a highly advanced power source in his chest cavity any more. So there was very little stress. What was this, ransom demands? Trying to lure the team into the trap? _Yawn_.

He was just settling down into mentally transcribing some new code for an update to the fabrication units when he was, at long last, given a chance to speak to his kidnapper.

"Your boyfriend is making my work difficult," a disembodied voice said. Whoever it was, Tony didn't recognize the voice. Of course, he had so many enemies these days, he wasn't gonna be able to recognize all their voices.

Tony blinked as the implications of the statement caught up to him. _His boyfriend?_ "Wait, really? I don't even get kidnapped for my own skills at pissing off bad guys? I'm an Avenger! I'm the original Avenger! I pioneered the modern art of superheroes, okay, this is just insulting."

"Ah, yes, your own endeavors to make life more difficult for those in my line of work …" the voice drawled.

That still didn't narrow down who he was dealing with – terrorist? Human trafficker? Arms dealer? Cartel kingpin? Ringleader of a group of hired assassins? Puppy-kicker?

"All right, buddy," said Tony, "what's your supervillain name? Mr. Vague? Dr. Nonspecific? Captain This-Could-Mean-Anything?"

"Allow me to be extraordinarily specific, then," the voice replied.

Tony waited.

"Your boyfriend has, on eighteen different occasions, prevented me from selling my wares to Hydra. It's very difficult, you see, to make a living selling automatic weaponry when your clientele keep dying."

"Which boyfriend—Jesus fuck," he said, breaking off, when about forty machine guns fired in the dark room. The bullets hit concrete with deafening retorts that drowned out the sound of the shell casing as they bounced and rolled across the ground.

When there was finally silence, he groaned and tilted his head back. "I didn't need a demonstration of how loud weapons are. I used to sell them."

"I had immense professional respect for you once, Mr. Stark," said the voice.

Tony hid a flinch. "If I ever needed another reason to be glad I switched businesses," he muttered.

The voice continued as if he hadn't spoken. "Which is why I almost regret involving you. But rest assured, if your boyfriend doesn't stop—"

"I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT," Tony shouted over the rest of the threat. "What. Boyfriend?"

"Don't play dumb. I know you're sleeping with him."

"I've slept with a lot of guys, you know that, right? I don't remember most of my sexual partners' names, I am the foremost name in whatever the exact opposite of monogamy is. I'm terrible leverage."

"You insult my intelligence," the voice said—"I'm guessing that's not hard," Tony muttered—"I can tell when one person cares for another."

"Well," said Tony, the way he might speak to a small child, if he were the sort of person to be condescending to small children, "we're kind of a team. It's a thing. The Avengers? You must've heard of us. Caring is part of the deal. And who wouldn't like me? I'm charming and likable and really, ridiculously rich. Actually, lemme just settle this up for both of us. I'll give you fifty grand if you let me go, we'll call it a deal. I mean, my team's gonna hunt you down anyway, you might as well take a few thousand, go on a spending spree, have your last vacation before we put you in jail."

"Your team will not stop me," thundered the voice.

Tony groaned; how did someone this monumentally STUPID kidnap him? "What, exactly, is your misguided plan? To force my boyfriend to stop attacking Hydra?"

"You're the foremost mind of our times. You'll find a way."

"If I'm the foremost mind of our times, I'll find a way to track you down. This is embarrassing, I'm embarrassed _for_ you. Don't they have a training system for being a criminal?"

"Look how easily I captured you. Do you think I could not kill you in an instant if you failed to meet my demands?"

Tony hummed. "True," he said. "Tell you what. How about you call my boyfriend, put him on speakerphone, and let me explain the situation to him? Because he might decide to cut his losses and let you kill me now, save the hassle, he's ruthless like that."

"That does not surprise me," said the voice.

 _Must be Bucky_ , he thought. _Guess that answers that_.

There's a pause, and then the same speaker that's broadcasting the voice makes the official StarkPhone syncing noise – _does he realize we track where each StarkPhone syncs to the network, ESPECIALLY my phone?_ Tony can't help but wonder – and then a voice answers, "Tony?"

"Wait, you meant _Steve_?" said Tony. Ruthless? Steve. Ruthless. Okay.

There was another pause, and then Steve spoke again, this time with his mission voice. "Who meant Steve? Tony, what's going on?"

"I've been captured," Tony said. "An arms dealer who disapproves of your decision to eradicate Hydra. I'm sure his opinion is very important to you, so I'll turn things over to him."

"Is he there with you?" said Steve, sharply. "With your phone?"

"I am not that foolish," the voice said – "barely," said Tony – "I am in a secure location, currently broadcasting to your boyfriend's location. Don't bother trying to track me; I've removed the device from the phone."

"Tony, are you okay?" Steve demanded.

"I have three cameras on him… but I think you'll find the thirty-five remote controlled machine guns a little bit more incentivizing."

"Fuck," said Clint's voice, in the background of the call.

"What are your demands?" And that was Natasha, bless her terrifying heart, shoving Rogers out of the way before he started in with the righteous fury. Her voice was cold, calculated, and exactly what Tony needed just then.

"I'm letting your friend go," said the voice, and sure enough, the shackles on Tony's arms popped open. "But if my next transaction is unsuccessful, I _will_ leave Captain America's dear little boyfriend nothing more than a smear on a sidewalk. Do you understand me, Captain?"

Tony swore he could hear Steve's jaw clenching from here. "Loud and clear."

-

"Look, drama queen, you've got to stop going AWOL," said Clint.

Tony blinked at him, dumbfounded. "I was _kidnapped_."

"Same thing."

"Okay, you can't even do a routine mission without ending up missing, unconscious, or injured, you do not get to lecture me."

Bucky came stalking in and grabbed Tony by the arm, pulling him up to standing. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," he said, "Calm down, I've been through a _lot_ worse."

Steve followed Bucky a little more slowly. "That's not going to help him with the 'calming down'," he said, in the tone of someone intimately familiar with Bucky's mother-henning.

Bucky held Tony at arm's length. "How did this happen? Were you paying attention? Did you get distracted by talking to Jarvis? If I've told you once, I've told you a _thousand_ times, Tony, you need to pay attention to your surroundings."

"Right, so, we could listen to Barnes' lecture," said Clint. "Or, alternatively," he continued, "we could _not_ , and work on tracking this guy down. Did you know he used your phone to call us? By syncing it to an SI speaker network? In his own apartment?"

Steve's lips twitched, and Tony pointed at him. "Don't you dare."

"The world's foremost rational mind—"

"You flew a plane into an iceberg!"

"—and _this guy_ 's goons kidnap you—"

"Goons? Really, Rogers, _goons_?"

"—in your own city, between Stark Tower and a damn donut shop—"

"Because our boyfriend _ate all of the donuts_ before he and Romanoff went—"

"—irresponsible, Tony—"

Tony raised his voice. "—Hydra agent trying to create a sleeper cell in New-fucking Jersey. Because the collective IQ of our enemies is dropping steadily, apparently."

"Do you want to go talk to this guy by ourselves?" Barton said to Bucky.

That got Steve's attention. "No. We all go. As a team. Sam, Bruce, Natasha, and Thor too. We need to send a message, here."

"He's got a studio apartment in DC, I don't think we'll _fit_ ," said Clint, studying a tablet with the results of the reverse search on who owned the apartment in question. "Oh, holy _shit_."

They crowded around him. "What?" Bucky said, and then he saw what he was talking about. "Fucking hell."

"Oh, that's just—wow," said Tony.

"To be fair, I can't imagine there are many congressmen who _haven't_ wanted to kill you, based on what Pepper tells me," Steve said.

"You," Tony said, "are not allowed to hang around Pepper."

Steve snorted. "Worried we'll talk about you?"

Worried Steve would realize that Pepper was a more quality human being that Tony ever would be, and take their boyfriend and go date her.

"Yes," said Tony, "the last thing I need is you two comparing notes."

Steve and Bucky both gave him odd looks, but it was Clint, surprisingly, who rescued him. "I'm gonna go get the QuinJet prepped," he said, "Stark, fetch Banner and tell him you're all right, or he's going to pace a hole in the floors. Or, y'know, smash one."

-

The door to Senator Lidell's apartment opened. Considering it was locked electronically, using the most expensive and secure lock on the market, that was probably a surprise for Lidell. Because he was an _idiot_ , seriously, no offence to people with naturally low IQ's, but this guy was just. Refusing to think his way through villainy, it was kind of embarrassing, especially since he was a Hydra supplier. Bucky and Steve's very personal vendetta against the organization appeared to be rather effective, because _this_ was what the infamous Hydra was reduced to dealing with. If they weren't, you know, genocidal neo-Nazis who'd killed his parents using his boyfriend as their personal weapon, he might feel bad. But he didn't.

Tony had to angle to fly inside with the suit, and then alighted on the floor of the man's apartment. Lidell had jumped to his feet, and looked appropriately horrified when Steve followed him in. He waved a hand towards Steve while Lidell stared, wide-eyed.

"Hi," said Tony. "You know my boyfriend, Steve. Better know as Captain America. And my other boyfriend, Bucky. Better known as," he paused for dramatic effect and Bucky - fuck yes, he played along, Tony was so gonna give him a thank you blow job - stalked in using his murder walk, machine gun at his side. "The Winter Soldier. Say hi, Senator!"

"I should make an example of you," said Bucky, in a voice even deeper than his usual mission voice. Tony grinned inside his suit. “So that everyone knows what happens when you threaten one of my teammates."

Steve stepped forward. "But Tony says we shouldn't take you that seriously. Bruce?"

Bruce, who was wearing jeans and a purple plaid shirt that he may have borrowed from Natasha (who stole it from Clint, who paid thirty cents for it at a flea market eight years ago) stepped forward with a set of handcuffs. "You should probably go quietly," he said. "You've already pissed me off. You don't want the other guy to feel threatened."

The senator, who was going steadily more pale, to the point that Tony wondered if he was going to have a heart attack right there, stayed very still while Bruce handcuffed him.

"All right, Monsieur Ambiguity," said Tony, "let's go, c'mon, don't embarrass yourself further."

Natasha was waiting in the hall when Bruce led Lidell out. "About as pathetic-looking as expected," she said into her comm piece, tone bored. People were peering out of their apartments, and she smirked at one of his neighbors. "For once, when we say 'nothing to see here', we mean it."

"Where's Thor and the bird boys?" said Tony.

"Hawkeye's holding the elevator. Thor and Falcon are manning the exits. Come on, Banner, take out the trash, and then we can visit the Smithsonian while we're here. Find some contemporaries of Barnes and Rogers in the fossil record."

Tony laughed.

"Shoulda left him in the warehouse full of machine guns," said Bucky.


End file.
